Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010) Review

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This is without doubt, the single worst movie I have ever seen.

Birdemic appears to have been shot, directed, and edited by people who have had movies described to them, but never actually seen one, and acted by aliens (or possibly robots) who’s only information on human behaviour and speech patterns was gleamed by watching cutscenes from PS1 games.

The CGI is of the quality one would expect from an animated .gif on a mid 90’s Geocities page, and I firmly believe that the original cut of the film came in at 25 minutes, and that driving and walking shots were filmed to bring it up to feature length.

‘Spoilers’ follow, although I promise they will not diminish your enjoyment (or otherwise) of this movie in the slightest. I am seriously spoiler-phobic, but I encourage you to read on regardless. If however you insist on going into this abomination cold, skip to the last 5 paragraphs of this review.

The movie opens with a full minute and a half of our main character driving (we even stay with him as he stops to buy fuel), before we see him park, get out of, and lock his car (in real time), then spend another minute walking to a café where he has the most awkward exchange with a waitress ever caught on camera, then spends a full 30 seconds staring at a woman he does not know, before following her out of the café and asking for a date, which she agrees to!

By this stage, I was hoping to find a clip to show you at some point in the review; something really bad to show you that I really am not exaggerating here… But I was unable to choose one as every single scene in the movie is equally bad. Each scene had me thinking “this is the one; this is the bit I have to show our readers” only for the next to have me thinking “no, scratch that last one, this is the scene I have to share” for literally the entire movie.

Our hero (a software salesman) makes a big sale, knocking off 50% even after the deal is seemingly done… This immediately turns out to be a million dollar sale! He just gave away a million dollars!

There’s a board meeting in which the employees applaud for an uncomfortable length of time, more driving, a “Dragon’s Den” style pitch meeting, even more driving, another fuel stop, a full musical number in an almost empty club, more walking, CGI parrots, and the most awkward not-quite-a-sex-scene you’ve ever laid eyes on.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t even mentioned the Birdemic yet, there is a reason (apart from the fact I’m trying to recall from memory as little of the movie as possible) for this; the birds do not show up until half way through the movie.

At the literal half-way point in the film’s running time, right after the aforementioned uncomfortable tongueless kissing marathon, we cut to a series of peaceful outdoor shots; mountains, forests, quaint old-timey buildings, then suddenly, BIRDEMIC!!!

Out of nowhere the sky is filled with bad CGI eagles (often in repeating formations – it’s not unusual to see 2 or 3 copies of the same flock render in the same shot) some of which are kamikazeing into buildings and exploding into huge fireballs.

The birds never explode again in the entire movie!

Our couple meet another couple (who conveniently have a van full of guns) and go on a mission to… Somewhere? I don’t know where they’re headed, but they pick up a couple of surviving kids en route, the children immediately recover from the death of their parents, and the whole gang have a freakin’ outdoor picnic!

Along the way our group manage to get some patrons of an English pub killed by forcibly ‘rescuing’ them from the safety of a closed bus, and then shooting a bird that bursts and empties half a gallon of acid all over them!

The birds never excrete acid again in the entire movie.

In this movie, which is not a comedy or a parody, someone is killed while taking a shit.

Eventually the birds go away.

For no reason.

There’s a strong environmental message, not so much woven through, as dropped on, the script; our hero watches 3 newscasts – all are about environmental issues, has an appointment at his home with a solar panel salesmen, and twice the movie stops dead for a character (that’s two separate people) to give our heroes actual speeches about global warming.

If you watch this movie on YouTube (the whole thing is up there) you’d be forgiven for thinking that the total drops in sound and shitty picture quality are the fault of the uploader; I assure you the DVD is identical to that copy.

The film seems to have been shot on a 90’s commercial grade camcorder, and edited by hooking two VCR’s together – after each character finishes their line, the camera stays with them a good 1 or 2 seconds before cutting to the person they are talking to for the reply, and on each edit the background noise of the shot changes. I’m quite sure that there were no boom mics involved, and that all the sound was captured by the microphone on the front of the camera; to the extent that during a beach scene, it is genuinely difficult to hear the dialogue.

As I said at the top of this review, Birdemic is, without question, without waxing hyperbole, the shittiest celluloid atrocity I have ever seen; it makes other contenders for the crown, such as Troll 2, and Plan 9 From Outer Space, look like Casablanca … and I loved every second of it!

Go and see this movie.

Now.

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